Tuesday, March 16, 2010

"E-Mail of the Year!"

Received this from a family member:


My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed. Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq . This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict This list is short.

The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THEREAFTER IT'LL GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations: Screw with us and we will hunt youdown and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many U.N. diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beemers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors: Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. Its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple thousand extra tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska -which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an
environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.

Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, 'darn tootin.' Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought: Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America .. Thank you and good night.

If you can read this in English, thank a soldier. Please forward this to your friends and see what happens! Let's getthis to every USA computer! If you have a problem with this, may your future generations have the good fortune to work their way out of the mess. The writing is on the wall and it is ten minutes to midnight!

My reply -- and it is long:

While this email has some interesting thoughts about sticking it to those countries who did not support our war effort, please keep in mind that the premise of the war was illegal, that we actually tortured people in our pursuit of victory, and compromised our own values, our Constitution, and seriously undermined our international reputation in the process.

As to the cost of the war, the nearly $1 trillion we have spent thus far in Iraq alone (not including the costs of lost productivity of all those killed or wounded, not to mention those reservists and national guardsmen who were taken out of their jobs to go serve) will not be recouped after just a year of suspension of foreign aid to those on List 2. While it's fun to tell those countries to kiss our ass if they want foreign aid in the future, it's bad politics and just creates more reasons for them not to support us. We'd get far more cooperation by being accommodating as opposed to threatening to withdraw funding for them, don't you think? Anyway, the entire U.S. foreign aid budget in FY 2009 was less than $40 billion. Not even $40 billion. Out of that budget, the countries on list 1 were not among the top recipients, so let's say they received only 5% of total foreign aid. That means there would be less than $38 billion left to pay off the cost of the war, which you would have known, had you visited my blog, is running at $712 billion. So, doing the math (assuming costs froze at this instant, and we did not repay the interest on the debt we incurred to finance the war in Iraq), it would take until 2029 to pay off the cost of the war in Iraq. By that time, if you are correct, Social Security will already be bankrupt, so there's no point in taking the savings to shore up SS at that time. Further, withholding foreign aid to all those countries on List 2 would pretty much guarantee that we have converted them from allies into permanent enemies. But maybe that's what we want? I don't know.

Now, in 2009, the top two recipients of foreign aid were Iraq and Israel. That's right, Israel, which received $2.6 billion. I didn't see Israel on List 1, so I guess Israel needs to kiss our ass too, right? Also among top recipients were a whole lot of Islamic nations, like Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Turkey, Jordan, and Egypt. They weren't on List 1 either, so I guess we just scrap all the goodwill we've been building in the Muslim world since GW Bush left office.

The letter suggests (and I guess that, since you think it's the "E-mail of the Year," you agree) that France should now be the go-to country in the event of stamping out an epidemic. Well, it just so happens that that sort of thing is going on right now anyway, as the U.S. has seen fit to abandon science in favor of biblical literalism. Who needs science to make this life better when all we really need to care about is the next life at the feet of Jesus Christ?

Finally -- and really, I could go on and on about the utter silliness of the letter -- the letter basically tells Canada and Mexico to piss off. Really? You think that's wise? Well, of course, Canada's got fresh air, a nearly limitless supply of old-stand timber, millions of fantastic people, and oh -- that single-payer health care program we all like to think is socialism at its most evil. And Mexico, well, we all know that it's just a roiling cauldron of drug cartels and illiterate peasants who seem hell-bent on taking back Texas and California by moving here and breeding incessantly. Not to mention the fact that they have so much oil reserves. Why, the nerve!

The letter sounds vaguely fatalistic, as if the writer, speaking for every American, has grown weary of America's role in the last 100+ years as the world's leader in constitutional government, fairness, equality for all citizens, and commerce. Weary of doing all that work just so a few thousand Muslims can wreak havoc on our streets and turn once-proud Americans into an angry, terrorized mob of old, small-minded individuals who want things just to return to the way they were and then we'd all be happy once again. Weary of new realities. Weary of any reality, in fact. The letter saddens me, but what really makes me sad is that someone I love and deeply care for thinks I'd agree with its pathetic excuse for patriotism. I may criticize my country incessantly, find fault with our government's role in our lives, rail against our citizens for willingly failing to be better informed and to question what is being fed to them as truth. But make no mistake: I love America and always will. It is my home and I will defend it. What I hope happens over time, however, is that people stop blaming others and take a cold, hard look inside at what is holding us back from achieving (or retrieving) our goals and dreams.

So, before you hit the Send button next time, please give a thought to what you are forwarding. Does this letter lift your spirits, or validate an anger that has grown tiresome? If the former, share it with me. If the latter, please do not include me. I simply fail to see how this letter serves any useful purpose (except to get me to blog, so thank you for that).

Y'know? I think that the email of the year was written by Sarah Palin.

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