What it Feels Like

I'm writing this post today because it's taken me about this long to come to terms with the news I'm about to share with you.

On New Year's Eve, I lost my job. I know, sucks, right? Working for one of the strongest banks in the country, no danger of bad loans bringing the company down, and I lost my job.

Well, it gets worse. See, I wasn't laid off. I was given the choice to resign immediately or be "separated" from the company. Now, that sucks even more, doesn't it? Seems that, although I had hit all my goals with regard to developing a strong customer base and what we sales types call a "book of business," it wasn't enough.

See, as a loan officer, I work 100% on commission. If I don't close a deal, I don't get paid. And I didn't close enough deals for the company to believe 1) I could do a better job than what I'd been doing, and 2) they could recover their investment in me. Wow, it feels humbling to write those words. And I thought I'd processed all of this already.

Unfortunately, my compensation (or lack thereof) is a bit more complicated. Because I work in California, the law states that the company has to pay me something just for being an employee. In sales terms, they call this a "draw." The company paid me this draw -- which, by the way, didn't even cover the cost of my grocery bills -- in semi-monthly installments. When I closed deals, the commission I received went against this draw, so I was actually paid the draw plus the remainder of the commission.

It gets a little more complicated still. After a brief period where they actually "guaranteed" me the draw, the draw became "recoverable." That means, if I didn't close any deals in a given month, I still got the draw, but now I owed the company that money until I closed enough deals to pay it back. This was called a "deficit." I got the draw again the next month, but if my commissions weren't enough to pay back two months' draws, I still owed money.

Well, September was a horrible month for me. Even though I'd been working the phones and going to realtor's open houses every week (including Sundays), the business just wasn't coming in. I closed nothing that month. The next month was even worse, because I actually had deals to close. They were all declined. Call it bad luck, but now I was two months in deficit. To make up that amount, I would have had to have my best months at the worst time of the year. Remember the economic meltdown? Happened at the start of October. Customers I had lined up for November and December decided that they didn't want to buy those houses after all. At least not until the dust settled. If any of you pay attention to those "consumer confidence" statistics each month, you'll understand that these customers were demonstrating a serious lack of confidence in the economy. Rates were up; open houses were largely quiet; my referral network was growing, but there were no deals yet. And what I did have in my pipeline was thin.

I managed to close some deals in November, but only enough to put a small dent (about 20%) of my deficit. The election was over, and people seemed to breathe a collective sigh of relief. The phone started ringing. My referral sources were calling me. I took a record number of applications that month. December also looked great at the beginning: I had enough business scheduled to close that would have cut the deficit down to 10% of where I was at the beginning of November, and applications were rolling in now that the election was over and rates were down to ridiculously low levels. A customer I'd closed in August called me to lower her rate. A couple more of those and I had an actual good January too.

Then, one customer called me -- his mother-in-law got sick and he would have to travel to Mexico with this wife in two weeks. I told him I could still close before he left, but he didn't believe me, and he cancelled his loan. Another two couldn't get their paperwork in order quickly enough and were pushed into January. These are normal occurrences in the mortgage business, by the way. But with my "deficit" situation, I couldn't afford to have this happen.

Then my manager starting calling me every day to get progress on my pipeline. It was after a week of this when I realized my job was on the line. He was clearly reporting this up to his managers and they were discussing whether it was worth it to keep me on for another month.

When the end came, it felt so cold and impersonal. My manager, with whom I'd spoken for three long hours over two days when I interviewed for the job, suddenly had nothing to say. In fact, he wasn't even there; he was on vacation, and he had me on speakerphone while his assistant handed me paperwork. He gave me exactly sixty seconds to decide on resignation or termination. I chose to be terminated because it made unemployment easier to get.

Now, I've only been fired from one job before because of performance. At that time, I was much younger, had virtually nothing at stake, and since I was also facing the end of my first marriage and the loss of my home due to the 1994 Northridge earthquake, it seemed at the time that there were more crucial issues to deal with than losing my job.

But now, you all know my family situation. A wife who works part time with no health benefits, and two young kids. I had the same kind of year you all had with your 401ks, IRAs, and 529 plans. Luckily, we have savings, but that's now running out a little more quickly. And we now have to pay for health insurance until I get another job. Have you priced COBRA lately? Last time I checked, it was about $1,100 a month. Ouch.

Thankfully, today I found out that another large bank wants to hire me. After the background check I hope to be getting an offer. At the same time, I hung my real estate license with a good friend who is a successful mortgage banker. I hope to be able to direct my clients in either direction and keep juggling those balls. With things beginning to return to a semblance of normalcy, I feel somewhat more confident that I'll return to peak earnings form.

In the meantime, I've talked to a lot of friends and family members who have all offered their support, their encouragement, and their confidence in me. For that I am very grateful. For my wife, who sometimes doesn't handle bad news very well, I am so thankful that she has managed to get around the fear; now we are working together to get things done. It wasn't an easy transition -- I didn't realize at first that I was shocked, and felt terribly humiliated. Her words of support and encouragement didn't sound that way while I was in that state of mind. But now I hear her and I realize that she's giving me what I need: reality checks, love, and trust. And for those, I cannot be more thankful.

I will update this blog in the coming weeks as things develop. In the meantime, rejoice in the changes that will take place in our country starting next Tuesday. On that day, say a prayer for America, for the new president and his cabinet, and for the outgoing administration (they're all really going to need it), that they all get what they need and deserve. Most of all, however, find a way to step and up and help, in any way you can.