Why Guys Dump Women

CNN ran a story today about a Cosmo piece that gives women advice on why their men dump them, and render the story utterly worthless. Not hard to do, of course -- it's Cosmo, a'ight? But apparently the Cosmo story was written by a guy, so I'm looking at this like it's some guy way to dish to the women on how to be around us. But no, it's not.

Here are the five reasons:
1. The timing is off
2. He's not finished playing the field
3. He's fixated on a worst-case scenario
4. He's in like, not in love
5. He's too into you

OK, let's set some things in order. In life there are two types of relationships: short-term and long-term. They are, almost without fail, mutually exclusive. One can have a "long" short-term relationship, and of course one can have a short long-term relationship. But we have to understand these two types of relationships first before we can understand how guys behave in them.

Short-term relationships are defined by two characteristics -- one, they are short in duration, and two, they are primarily sexual. And if a guy is in short-term mode, pretty much he'll do anything to hook up. But as soon as there's a problem, it's over. Now there are some problems that a guy will tolerate if the sex is really good. Then, it might take two or even three problems to get a guy off the dime. But as soon as it's clear to a guy that it's over, it's best to do it quickly. And honorably. Now, short-terms can be wonderful. Intimacy can develop, even something that feels like love, but there's always has to be a limit. Therefore, it's nearly impossible to turn a short-term into a successful long-term. Those that do transcend are usually damaged in some way and rarely last. This is one reason why so many marriages fail.

Long-term relationships are defined by one major characteristic: they are intended to last a lifetime. Also, while it's still an important part of the relationship, sex is secondary to a guy's desire to be in this type of relationship. A man has to be in long-term mode for this type of relationship to develop. That is to say, he completely has to let go of short-term thinking, because there's no room for it in a long-term. A man will do this when nothing else makes sense.

Now, understanding these two relationships, it becomes clear that in short-term, a man will end things and dump a woman, but for none of the reasons mentioned above. Timing is never off, a guy in short-term mode is always playing the field so that's already understood, he's not thinking about worst-case because he's fixated on having sex, there's no thinking about like or love, and he'd never get too into you because he's thinking short-term. Guys end short-terms because there is a problem emanating from the other side. It could be that she is too into him, or, or, or nothing. That's really the main reason.

In a long-term relationship, men understand that women choose their men. A man ready for a long-term relationship simply makes himself available, and he will then attract the right women. He will not simply settle for whomever is around when he feels ready; he will set up marriage conditions that will help him step up and be chosen. To me, for example, one condition for marriage was that the woman I was with had to have a very good relationship with her father. I remember dating a woman before meeting my wife who I realized had huge unresolved issues about her late father. When I realized that she was choosing me to work through them, I simply told her that I didn't see myself in that role. She ended the relationship by sleeping with someone else.

So, in a long-term relationship, guys don't have timing issues. Because women do the choosing, men are either the wrong choice or the women simply aren't ready. Also, because men have to give up short-term thinking to be available for a long-term relationship, playing the field is no longer an issue. Men do not think worst-case: we are not capable of that level of analysis when it comes to short-term. It either works for us or it doesn't. If it doesn't we are simply not available. When we're ready for long-term, we feel love intensely; there's no fear of our being "in like but not in love." It is a spiritual connection that we want; we want to make babies and change the world. And, finally, in a successful long-term relationship, there's no fear of our being "too into you," as we are a willing and committed participant.

Men who get this about themselves don't dump. When we make a commitment, we honor it. We don't leave. We may help you find your way out the door if that's what you want, but that's your choice, not ours.